September 26th 2005

I am officially a senior this year. I don’t really feel any different. I don’t feel older or more wise or anything. A lot has changed over the summer but I don’t mind. I got homecoming candidate this year. I am a little nervous about that because if I don’t make top ten it will just be embarrassing for me. Steven and I are no longer dating or really talking anymore. He joined the National Guard and I haven’t heard from him in a while. I think after I found out he was cheating on me I pretty much lost all desire to even try to be civil to him. I feel more like I lost a best friend then a boyfriend. I have justified that he was just a summer fling and that is why we had so much fun. I don’t doubt that he genuinely cared for me but he was young and turned into a man whore pretty quickly. This year is going to be so much better than last year I already know it. Last year was hell and I will not let anything ruin this year for me.

There is a possibility that I might miss Jake a little more than I should. It was a lot easier to get over Jake when we broke up last year because we weren’t around each other. Obviously I think about him from time to time considering we dated for two years. I don’t know why I even care; he isn’t even that nice to me anymore. Plus he is too concerned with all the new girls in his life. I am so glad that I don’t know what he has been doing for the last three months because it would probably make things a lot harder. Besides I have kind of been talking to someone else lately.

One of the perks of being a senior is that you get more privileges. I have been spending my study hall in the auditorium and I get to play the piano. I have been working on a song that helps get life off my mind. Nick has been helping me with it. He dated Jackee for a long time and I can only imagine what she would say if she knew I was even hanging out with him. We are just friends but she would still think there was something more. Misty compares Nick to a God and thinks that nobody deserves him. I feel happy when I am with Nick. I don’t feel like I have to impress anyone and I can just be myself without worrying about what everyone will think of me. I look forward to going over there. It is like a mini vacation from life. Sometimes I don’t even think I even really go over there to work on the song. I have delayed writing the end of it so I could keep going over there. I think I deserve a good friend. Sarah was one of the best friends I ever had ended up being a totally different person then she led me to believe. I really do feel like our whole friendship was a complete lie. She ended up kissing Steven. I think that hurt me more than Steven kissing her. I feel like I always get screwed over in relationships. When is it going to be my turn to be happy?? Anyways, the summer was a blur of so many different emotions and I am so glad it is over.

September 30th 2005

I think I might like Nick more than I should. Maybe I should stop going over there. I’m afraid I’ll ruin everything. Obviously I am not going to say anything to him but I’m still scared. The vacation feels like it is starting to end. I’m now nervous when I go over there. Not like…”I’m in trouble” kind of nervous. More like “butterflies” kind of nervous. I still don’t feel like I have to impress him or anything but what if he starts to like me too? What if he already does? Even worse what if he doesn’t like me at all??
I went to the football game on Friday. Steven was supposed to come to the game with me and I was pretty much left there all alone. I didn’t go to Sycamore High School last year so I don’t really have friends here anymore. He finally called me back after being an hour late and told me he was at Sandwich fair. I could hear girls laughing in the background. I could tell one of them was Sarah but I didn’t even want to go there. Nick’s younger brother was at the football game. We talked about our relationship problems together. It was nice to talk to someone even if it was for a little second. I didn’t say anything to him about Nick. I wouldn’t even know what to say.
Steven called me last night. He is leaving for boot camp next week. His voice was comfortable and I do miss that. He told me that he still loves me, but I don’t really believe him. You made out with my best friend, sorry if I don’t really feel like being nice to you right now. I haven’t talked to Sarah since he told me. It would probably only be fair for me to get her side of the story but I still hurt so I don’t care. It’s hard to not feel loved by anyone. It’s lonely now but I keep myself busy so that I don’t feel too bad for myself. I made six paintings last week. That is like a world record for me. I burned them all last night. I’ll probably regret that later but I felt like I was getting rid of the emotion I put into the paintings, I’m glad I did it.
I want to be reckless, I want to live life, I want to do things I have not done before. I want to fall in love, I want to accomplish a dream, I want to live a different life for just a little bit. I am so sick of being the girl that “could” do things. I want to be the girl that does everything. I feel so dead to the world. I hate that I have no friends. I am so sick of sitting alone at lunch. It is getting embarrassing. A new student sat with me yesterday, he thought I was new too. That is so sad, I have gone to this school for three years and people still think I am new.
I am going to a church dance tonight. This should be interesting. I can already play out exactly what will happen. I will go to the dance tonight, I will do my hair and paint my nails, I will find the cutest outfit I can. I will make my boobs look as small as humanly possible, and only one person will talk to me. That one person will be Brian Ensign and he will ask me to kiss him and I will say no, just like I have said no seven hundred times before. I will try to go find Rachel so we can leave. I will have to dig my way through a group of guys to get to her. She will be beautiful and I will be plain. She will tell me five more minuets and I will proceed to the snack table and eat my way through the next thirty minuets. Brian will find me at the snack table and ask me to dance at the first sign of a slow song. Then when I get home I will forget that I had a horrible time and convince myself it was great and I will do it again next month. Why am I going again?

October 1st 2005

So the dance wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, or have I just convinced myself otherwise? It was actually kind of nice. I did NOT kiss Brian, contrary to what he seems to be telling other people. Brian was nice and rather refreshing for me. I chose not to make my boobs look as small as possible and woe is me…more guys talked to me. Funny how that works, also very disgustingly awakening.

Tomorrow I find out if I made top ten for homecoming candidate. I am thinking of playing sick to save myself embarrassment. The only chance that I even have to make top ten is Rachel. They all know that I am her sister and everyone loves her. They all either want to be her or want to date her. I hate that I got short changed on the gene pool. I don’t think that I am some hideous beast or anything. It is just that she is so stunningly gorgeous. I wouldn’t mind seeing Nick sometime soon. I hate not having a cell phone; it would be much easier to have friends. Maybe I’ll have him over tomorrow. Which means I have to go to school. I have totally lost track of time today. I came down into my room after church to listen to music and paint. I have been down here for over six hours. It feels like I have been down here for maybe thirty. It is funny how you can get lost in your own world like that, I like it. Well, time to go force myself to sleep.

October 2nd 2005

So I made top ten! What a relief, now I don’t care if I win. I was so nervous. I hate the way they announce the top ten. After the homecoming parade they gather all the candidates onto the football field. The whole school is sitting in the bleachers, including half the parents. Then the announcer announces them one by one. Of course, the guy I was partnered with got his named called for one of the first people. He let go of my hand and stepped forward. He said, “Don’t worry, they’ll call your name.” I honestly did not think my name was going to get called. I wanted to die right on the football field in front of the whole world. To make things even worse I look in the bleachers and I see Jake. Guess who he is with? That skank Sarah. My head was spinning in a million circles. All I could think of was how much I hated her for that. I wanted to run into the stand and ring her pretty little neck. She already ruined one relationship of mine. It is CLEARLY not okay for her to be hanging out with Jake. Then they called my name. I was so relieved, but then again I wanted to throw up. I was angry and happy all at the same time and let me tell you those two emotions do not mix well with your stomach. I could see my dad and he was happy, my mom was waving to me. The whole school was clapping and jumping around. Then it was just Sarah and Jake. I could have picked them out of a million people if I had to. My knees were so weak; all I wanted to do was cry. Then I did. When we walked off the field and accepted our sashes and flowers all I could think of was Jake and Sarah. I immediately went into the bathroom and sat in the nearest stall. I cried as silently as I could. The gloves on my hands were completely soaked with tears. So that is my perfect description of tonight. The end. Oh, wait…no its not. On top of all the emotions I was feeling I find Rachel and her friend Lauren are drunk at the game. The only thing I could think of was getting them out of there as quickly as possible. I knew I would spend the rest of my night babysitting two drunken high school kids. We went to Jarrod’s house and hung out with my “friends”. I tried everything I could to make them as sober as possible before I took them home at eleven. So anyways, if you don’t mind me I’m going to cry myself to sleep now.

October 3rd 2005

Steven came knocking on my window last night. I was really happy until I realized it was him. I don’t know who I was expecting. Jake is the only one that has snuck over here before. Maybe I wanted it to be Jake so that I could get things off my chest. I wanted to ask him why he would bring Sarah to the homecoming game. Why would he even bother? He doesn’t go to this school and neither does she. I didn’t do anything to him to deserve for him to treat me like this. He had to have done it intentionally. You don’t just do something like that on accident. Is this Karma? Do I deserve to be so miserable right now?

Steven said he was leaving today for boot camp and wanted to say goodbye. We hugged and he smelled like summer. The summer was so crazy. Looking back I almost miss it up until right when school started. Everything was perfect, why did everything get so screwed up at the end. I should have never went to that Christian school my junior year. Nothing good came out of it. All the people there turned out to be complete jerks. Stevens’s aunt and uncle hated me with a fiery passion. I never got a specific reason but a lot of the adults from the school didn’t like me because I was Mormon. I am not sure where the hate for someone because of his or her religion comes from but it makes no sense to me. Steven was there for me when everyone else was tearing me down. I don’t think I left bible class once that year without tears running down my face. Steven once told me that I shouldn’t worry because I was going to heaven. He asked me if I believed that Jesus died for my sins and I said yes. He said that as long as I recognize that and I am a good person that I will go to heaven. I think there is a lot more then just believing. A lot of Christians probably think the same way as Steven and that makes me really sad. No wonder why so many people are so mean to each other.

It wasn’t so bad saying bye to Steven. It was more like closure for me to get over the whole situation. It was a little awkward when we talked. He seemed different, like more grown up. I always feel like I am getting left behind. Why is it so easy for everyone else to move on with their lives and forget about me?

October 4th 2005

I talked to Jake on the phone today for at least an hour. I asked him why he came with Sarah to our homecoming game. He told me that she actually asked him. I am finding it really hard not to hate Sarah. I am so angry with her right now, and for her safety I am probably better off not saying a word to her. I spent so much time being so real with her and she was nothing but fake. I am so surprised at the way all of my relationships have turned out this last year. The only good thing that has come out of any of this is that I made a new friend (Nick) and I have had the opportunity to explore myself a little more. Even though my world is caving in around me I still feel whole. I asked Jake if I could come over tomorrow during PE. I know that he doesn’t have any of his college classes until night and I really don’t feel like going to gym. I wake up so early to go to seminary. It starts at six in the morning and we get out ten till seven. I have snuck over to Jakes house a couple of times and fallen asleep with him. Jake is the only guy that I have actually had sex with. Sometimes when I go over there I think the only reason he wants me to come over is because we have sex. RULE #1: Don’t sleep with a guy unless you are dating. It gives them too much power. They can’t have their cake and eat it to. YOUR HEART WILL GET BROKEN. I don’t follow the rules though. We don’t even talk about having sex. It just happens.

October 4th 2005

So I went to Jakes this morning. Everything was fine…until we had sex. I went over there telling myself that we were not going to. I had my excuses all planned out and everything. Then we did and something was different. He ALWAYS pulls out. I don’t even know how well that works but we have been doing it for two years so obviously it works right? This time it was different though. After we had sex I asked if he pulled out and he said that he did but something felt different. It didn’t feel like he pulled out to me. I feel nervous about it this time. I know that he is lying. I was going to go and get the morning after pill today but he keeps reassuring me that I don’t need to. I feel stupid about the whole situation. I have had my pregnancy scares before but nothing like this. I don’t understand why he would even lie about it. I just know that something is not right. I am going over to Danielle’s tonight to try and get my mind off of things.