I think I might like Nick more than I should. Maybe I should stop going over there. I’m afraid I’ll ruin everything. Obviously I am not going to say anything to him but I’m still scared. The vacation feels like it is starting to end. I’m now nervous when I go over there. Not like…”I’m in trouble” kind of nervous. More like “butterflies” kind of nervous. I still don’t feel like I have to impress him or anything but what if he starts to like me too? What if he already does? Even worse what if he doesn’t like me at all??
I went to the football game on Friday. Steven was supposed to come to the game with me and I was pretty much left there all alone. I didn’t go to Sycamore High School last year so I don’t really have friends here anymore. He finally called me back after being an hour late and told me he was at Sandwich fair. I could hear girls laughing in the background. I could tell one of them was Sarah but I didn’t even want to go there. Nick’s younger brother was at the football game. We talked about our relationship problems together. It was nice to talk to someone even if it was for a little second. I didn’t say anything to him about Nick. I wouldn’t even know what to say.
Steven called me last night. He is leaving for boot camp next week. His voice was comfortable and I do miss that. He told me that he still loves me, but I don’t really believe him. You made out with my best friend, sorry if I don’t really feel like being nice to you right now. I haven’t talked to Sarah since he told me. It would probably only be fair for me to get her side of the story but I still hurt so I don’t care. It’s hard to not feel loved by anyone. It’s lonely now but I keep myself busy so that I don’t feel too bad for myself. I made six paintings last week. That is like a world record for me. I burned them all last night. I’ll probably regret that later but I felt like I was getting rid of the emotion I put into the paintings, I’m glad I did it.
I want to be reckless, I want to live life, I want to do things I have not done before. I want to fall in love, I want to accomplish a dream, I want to live a different life for just a little bit. I am so sick of being the girl that “could” do things. I want to be the girl that does everything. I feel so dead to the world. I hate that I have no friends. I am so sick of sitting alone at lunch. It is getting embarrassing. A new student sat with me yesterday, he thought I was new too. That is so sad, I have gone to this school for three years and people still think I am new.
I am going to a church dance tonight. This should be interesting. I can already play out exactly what will happen. I will go to the dance tonight, I will do my hair and paint my nails, I will find the cutest outfit I can. I will make my boobs look as small as humanly possible, and only one person will talk to me. That one person will be Brian Ensign and he will ask me to kiss him and I will say no, just like I have said no seven hundred times before. I will try to go find Rachel so we can leave. I will have to dig my way through a group of guys to get to her. She will be beautiful and I will be plain. She will tell me five more minuets and I will proceed to the snack table and eat my way through the next thirty minuets. Brian will find me at the snack table and ask me to dance at the first sign of a slow song. Then when I get home I will forget that I had a horrible time and convince myself it was great and I will do it again next month. Why am I going again?
