Things didn't go exactly how I planned. I called Jake last night and told him I was pregnant. I am still kind of shocked at his depth of denial of the whole thing. When he answered the phone I could tell he was around his friends but I didn't really see any other time I would be able to tell him so I just decided to get to the point. I told him I knew why I had been sick for so long. He asked why and I plainly came out and said that I found out I was pregnant. He was silent for a brief second, he didn't even give himself time to really think about it. "You'll be fine, your not pregnant." That is all he had to say? Was this a joke? He has to be putting up some sort of front because his friends were around. I asked him to come with me to my appointment because they were going to confirm it. He said he would but not to worry because it was all just a mistake. He sounded so calm...I just don't understand how his world can continue to move and mine has come to such an abrupt stop. I am so nervous about tomorrow, I feel like I am waiting for the jury to come back with the verdict. Guilty or not guilty? Will I get the death penatly? I would rather that than spend life in prison.
I just finished playing monopoly with the kids. I love my family and I can't even imagine my life without them. I know if they all knew they wouldn't judge they would just be there for me. My parents I'm sure would be too but the disappointment would be life altering. I just want to crawl into a hole and wait for it to all be over with. Growing up in a Mormon family has been a very different experience than most other households. I just feel like I have more pressure to be perfect in my parents eyes. I just don't want them to blame themselves for mistakes I have made. I don't want them to think less of me. The sooner tomorrow is over the better.
